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Co-dependency is a universal topic in the psychotherapy and recovery communities. But its complexities are still little understood by the lay populace among whom this syndrome is virtually epidemic. Our perspective on this complex topic is that cop-dependency includes a relationship of lies and unconscious deceit based upon the desperation and fears of the inner child. Its solution is telling the truth about our feelings and needs which is made possible by building the resources of a new Inner Family for that child.
The lie of co-dependency is subtle. It consists of an unspoken agreement that two people will choose to pretend that their needs are being fulfilled in the relationship rather than acknowledging the loneliness, disappointment and resentment which are common in most relationships. A recent study in a woman's magazine revealed that over 70% of married women are lonely. In our opinion, this reveals how lacking in intimacy and romantic fulfillment most relationships are. Often two people feel unable to achieve the love they need because of a childhood in which their needs and the needs of their parents were not met. Their belief system, based on this experience, is that "since there is no such thing as a fulfilling relationship and I cannot bear to be lonely, I will settle for what I can get and not cause trouble." We may even deny our own needs in order to meet the needs of a partner in the hopes that this partner will somehow either be "fixed" into loving us or somehow be inspired by gratitude to give us what we need.
Here are examples of the attitudes characteristic of the co-dependent who is operating out of the above strategy:
As the co-dependent relationship breaks down, our anger and disappointment often begins to "leak" into the relationship. But rather than resort to telling the truth, the following strategies tend to be pursued:
We Alchemists have discovered that the roots of this behavior are in an individual's childhood. We've learned that there was not enough love in our client's childhood and that this scarcity created the bizarre assortment of coping strategies outlined above. We also learned that telling the truth got us in trouble. After all, the family's survival was built upon preserving the lie that we are all happy together. We learned our parents' specific strategies for making someone else meet our needs. And deep down inside, we felt ashamed and unworthy of love.
So what can we do today to change the pattern? The solution is two fold. First, through finding the love and nurturance of a new Inner Family, we experience a new model of being in relationship. The Inner Family is a unique element of the Alchemical Process through which we tap into the collective unconscious (higher power) through hypnosis and discover the pure archetypes of loving parents. Then, through months or years of daily communication with these aspects of Self, we learn a new way of being in a family. A necessary adjunct of this work is the freeing of our Inner Child from the trauma, loneliness and shame of our original upbringing through dramatic "rescue missions" for the child from the trauma in our memory banks.
The second phase is practicing telling the Truth as we relate with others. Gay and Kathylin Hendricks describe this process in their book, Conscious Loving (Bantam, 1990). They call this way of truth-telling "The Microscopic Truth." They define this as the truth that cannot be argued about . . . a clear statement of feeling, of body sensation or what you actually did. In other words, in the safety of a workshop or therapy environment and in the presence of your partner, go into your body to the feeling that lies there. Then allow it to emerge as "I" statements . . . statements about what I feel, I want, I need. This process is not about dredging up the past, making attacks or judgements. It's about communicating your inner experience, about releasing blocked energy, and telling the truth that can set us free.
When we enter relationships from the place of a happy child whose needs are met by a loving family and as an adult who knows how to tell the truth of what he is feeling, we enter the Co-Creative Relationship, which is true Alchemy. Some characteristics of a Co-Creative relationship include:
In order to begin this exciting journey for yourself, contact our office for the next Alchemy of Relationships Training. You do not have to be a trained Alchemist or student of Alchemy to participate in this exciting journey of self discovery.
Richard Beyer, M.A., is a faculty member and co-founder of the Transformational Therapy program at the Heartwood Institute in Northern California. Richard is a Designated Examiner and Certified Instructor for the American Council of Hypnotist Examiners. He teaches The Alchemy of Relationships at Heartwood and elsewhere.
David Quigley is the creator of Alchemical Hypnotherapy and founder of the Alchemy Institute of Healing Arts. A popular teacher and speaker, he leads hypnotherapy trainings throughout Northern California.